The Art of Feeling Your Feelings
Most would argue to be human is to feel. It’s what separates us from machines in the Matrix, irobot, and many other sci-fi dystopias. It also usually is the tool used to save humanity from its suffering. The love Neo and Trinity feel for each other, breaking through the cold coding and design of their mechanic overlords. You would think we have a strong handle over how we value feelings and their purpose, however, most of the time, all we mutter to ourselves is, “How can I stop feeling this way?”
The Stigma of Feeling
We are so focused on NOT feeling a certain way. Our way of thinking is governed by a superimposed set of rules that we shouldn’t feel this, think that, do this to not feel that.
If we are hurt, we are supposed to swallow the pain and pretend our heart isn’t broken. In preventing the display of pain, we “don’t let the other person have the satisfaction of affecting us”.
If we are sad, we push back the tears, swallowing harshly and blaring out an “I’m fine.” Even if what we want most deep down is someone to hold us and empathize with our situation.
When we are angry, we stew, thinking how the other person can do this to us, before we blow up on the wrong individual, then feel guilty that we even felt at all.
And so we come to therapy and say “I don’t want to feel this anymore, I just want to be happy.”
What is present is the lack of emotional intimacy with ourselves. How can we expect another person to accept, support, and acknowledge our feelings when we have our feet in the dirt refusing to interact with our own? These unseen rules serve one purpose, to keep us unhappy, and continue to guilt us for our completely natural beautiful feelings. Somehow along the way feeling became a negative human trait! Feelings get a bad rap. Yes, feelings cause us pain, and we are trying to avoid all negative emotions but the ONE “good” elusive feeling. Happiness.
I hear it all the time, “tell me what to do to be happy” “how do I make my anxiety go away” “What do I have to do to never be depressed again?”
Let me tell you a secret that most therapists will hate me for sharing.
You will feel happy, but you will also feel anxious, and you will also be depressed. What you can do is to learn to honor and move through the feelings. What we do in therapy is to learn to treat emotions like well-known visitors who are just passing through. The difficult part is when those visitors are unwelcomed! You treat them with the hospitality you would extend to someone outside of you and see how they drink the tea you offer them, share their grievances or their joys, and move out of the body. They aren’t here for now, but we know that they will return someday or another. In therapy, we focus on learning to just be with the visiting emotions with the body. Letting other emotions move through our body allows space to be freed up to feel those happy emotions fully, and presently.
I hear your counterarguments, why? Because I have had the same thoughts myself. I mean Why? Why do these bad feelings have to even exist? What do you mean I can’t just erase them from my personhood? They serve a purpose, a very important one. Your humanity, your empathy, and your heart.
Somewhere along the way, it became shameful to feel, to laugh too loudly, and cry when we are hurt. Somewhere along the way, we became afraid to feel. It may have been when we were shamed by a teacher, scolded by a parent, or made fun of by a friend. These experiences shape the way we allow ourselves to feel. It doesn’t have to be this way, you can shape how you treat and understand your emotions.
I am going to use a metaphor to describe the process of what occurs when we do not allow ourselves to feel. Bear with me! My clients know I love my metaphors.
Think of the body like a pinball machine. An event triggers a ball (your feelings) being shot out (the emotion) and it pings all along with the trappings but isn’t allowed to go out through the exit to be shot out again. So the greasy arcade kid (that’s society) says get over it and puts in a new ball to be used. An event happens again, and the ball gets shot out, and low and behold! It is also stuck. We say well the machine functions still as a game, but the ball just never gets to be reused in the machine. The same can be said about people, sure we can function, but eventually, we will up with too many pinballs of emotions to the point where just as the machine can no longer function as a game we can’t function as people. This usually leads to a complete breakdown, much more backtracking through pulling out each pinball (emotion, event, thoughts) than if we initially sat down and went through the process of doing the slow, and uncomfortable process of performing maintenance on the machine.
Feelings are energy. And just as a jolt of electricity needs to be grounded or it shocks everyone around you, (or at times causes fires, rouge electric socket experience anymore?) energy doesn’t disappear. It stays until it's grounded. When a feeling pinballs its way up to our brains, we can choose to process it or shove it down. Sure it’s not a major issue now. But a feeling will always need to be expressed, just like lightning is sure to strike somewhere. A feeling that gets trapped tends to become a mood rather than just a feeling. One simple setback and disappointment can have a negligible effect. But ignoring a whole series of disappointments over some time can lead to us having the final straw and bursting out in anger or sadness.
In my sessions, I focus on the skill of learning to dialogue with feelings. Why are they popping up? And what are they here to tell you? How can we let them move through and out of us, and let that energy dissipate to be useful for something else? What can we learn from our feelings?
One of the most important mind shifts is asking yourself this question. Is my emotion justified? Most of the time, our emotions are trying to communicate something to us. Some examples are:
“I feel anxious” I am afraid my needs won’t be met
“I feel jealous” I desire what others have because I feel I do not deserve the same and it upsets me
“I am angry” I do not want to be treated this way, I want things to change
Try the following exercise below and see if anything interesting comes up for you! I would love to hear about your experiences in the comments!
Recognizing Emotions Exercise:
When it comes to self-care, your emotional needs are just as important and physical and mental ones. Acknowledging and accepting all your emotions, even those you’d rather suppress, takes effort, but being able to welcome sadness, anxiety, anger or regret is a vital step on the path to self-love. Only when you recognize your feelings can you decide whether to change or influence them.
Next time you feel an “unwelcome” emotion try this exercise:
Notice: Simply acknowledge what you are feeling, however uncomfortable that may be, without attempting to push it away. Can you give the emotion a name? Note it down.
Accept: Open your mind to the emotion and give yourself permission to feel it, try not to judge the emotion as good or bad, simply let it be.
Examine: Now start to view the emotion with curiosity. Is the emotion affecting you physically? Are your shoulders tense, or jaw clenched? Are there different layers to what you are feeling? What memories are attached to the emotion? Jot down any thoughts.
Observe: See the emotion for what it is, a feeling that can be observed, recognized, and accepted. Can you release this emotion? If so, thank it for highlighting an aspect that needed to be brought to your awareness.
Reflect: How do you feel now? Are there any discoveries?
